


there's something wretched about this (something so precious about this)

by t_hens



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Post-Apocalypse, Getting Together, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-09
Updated: 2019-05-09
Packaged: 2020-02-29 01:14:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18768190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/t_hens/pseuds/t_hens
Summary: Dan had resigned himself for a life of kitchen duty and mediocre days at the camp he and his family had found themselves after the virus had wiped out most of the world.but then Phil came along and maybe, just maybe, Dan can start living instead of just surviving.





	there's something wretched about this (something so precious about this)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [alittledizzy (dizzy)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dizzy/gifts).



> I can't write angsty stuff so here's some post-apocalyptic fluff (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧
> 
> happy birthday Mandy, I hope it's even half as wonderful as you are!
> 
> beta by [fourthingsandawizard](http://fourthingsandawizard.tumblr.com)

It started as most of these things do; someone had gotten sick, seemingly nothing serious, just a headache and fever. Muscle pain, vomiting, and weakness followed, though, and it didn’t take long before anyone who had caught the virus started to wither away. It was quick, and it happened before you really even knew you were sick. 

It didn’t take long for things to spread from America to other countries. Travelers who thought they weren’t contagious who were visiting family or doing business in other countries were the carriers for an epidemic that wiped out half of the population of the earth in the span of a summer. 

And that was why Dan was stuck in a base camp in south London with almost nothing, but at least he was alive. Other people hadn’t been so lucky; his friends, casual acquaintances, most of his family.

-

Dan woke up to hammering, but that wasn’t entirely abnormal. Every day since he had arrived, he had been awoken by some sort of construction or another. There were more and more people arriving every day, and the builders were working tirelessly to keep up with the demands of the people. 

Everyone here had a job. Some were more tedious and boring than others, but each was important, or at least that’s what they were told. Each person’s role was important in keeping everyone safe. 

Safe from what, Dan wasn’t entirely sure. Because the virus could get through the wood and nails that the camp was surrounded by. Deadly viruses didn’t care about how well your walls were built. If it wanted someone dead, they were dead.

Dan’s mum poked her head in his tent, breaking him out of his reverie. “Daniel, it’s half past six, you need to get up.” 

He remembered the days where he could sleep in all day fondly. He had just finished school and was looking forward to his gap year, which seemed ironic now. The last day he had slept past seven in the morning was the day they had left home with one bag each and terror in their hearts. Their neighbor two houses down had caught the virus and died, and his parents weren’t willing to risk anything. Everyone had loaded up in their car that could barely hold them and sped towards London and the camp his dad’s friend from work had told him about. 

The camp was bleak and everyone had a crease in their brow from stress or a scowl on their face. He would be lying if he said he hadn’t been scared. Everyone was so intimidating here. Tall brooding men who carried around lumber, and frowning mums trying to keep their kids quiet and out of trouble. Dan had instantly wanted to go home, but he knew that wasn’t an option anymore. He knew enough about the virus to know that if it was close enough to kill his neighbor, it was close enough to kill him.

-

It was cold outside. Dan had four layers on, but the brisk air of fall and the impending winter cut through all of the layers quickly. He made his way to the kitchens and put on his apron. The tent was cold, too, but not nearly as bad as outside. He greeted Mary, the elderly lady who ran the kitchen.

Kitchen was a bit of a stretch. Since there wasn’t any electricity, the tent didn’t hold much more than four fire pits, dug deep into the ground with grill plates placed over them. The walls were lined with shelves and shelves of canned and dehydrated food. It wasn’t great, but it was food. Occasionally someone would return from a scouting trip and bring back something actually good like crisps, and one time even chocolate. It didn’t happen often, as there wasn’t much left in the surrounding stores. When news got around that there was a deadly virus spreading, people started looting every store near them, taking as much as they could carry.

Mary gave him a wide, wrinkled smile and he couldn’t help but return it. He hadn’t been thrilled about getting stuck on kitchen duty, but after a week of helping, he’d grown quite fond of it. The kitchen gave him something to do during the day. It kept him busy enough that he couldn’t dwell on all the things going on around him. Down time gave him too much time to think and to spiral. ‘Busy hands lead to happy minds,’ Mary would tell him anytime she saw him starting to go down that dark tunnel in his mind. In a way, Mary was his best friend here. 

Dan started gathering wood and kindling for the fires, piling the wood into the cart he had for moving things. It was technically the kitchen’s, but he had refused to let Mary carry wood around. Though she was probably more than capable, Dan knew he would feel guilty if something were to happen, so he’d been doing all the heavy lifting. Mary always chuckled a little and would call him her ‘favorite helper’ in her thick Welsh accent.

“What do you think we should start for breakfast?” Mary asked, sorting through the cans on the shelves. 

“How about beans? Or maybe beans?”

She threw her hand towel at him, rolling her eyes fondly, and sorted through the cans to find something suitable for breakfast.

“You know, we are lucky to have beans. Other people haven’t been so fortunate Little Duck.”

Dan blushed at the nickname. When he had first been brought into the kitchen by one of the workers, he had been shy and had followed Mary all around the kitchen for two weeks, hardly talking but eager to help. She had told him he was like a little duck following its mother around, and the name had stuck. 

-

With the fires blazing, the kitchen warmed up quickly, making the atmosphere almost cozy. He would never admit it, but he actually loved being in the dull grey tent with Mary. She was kind and wise, making an excellent co-worker.

Once the food was ready, Dan rang the bell they had attached to the outside of the tent, signalling that the food was ready. People streamed into the tent, all ravenous and ready for food.

Dan stood by the tables, helping serve like he did at every meal, politely greeting each person. He hadn't wanted to at first, shy and uncomfortable with social interaction, but Mary had encouraged him gently and after a while, it became, not fun, but bearable. 

He was looking down at the pot of baked beans when he heard a new voice and his head shot up.

The new voice belonged to a boy, maybe a few years older than Dan. He was almost as tall as Dan and just as gangly. He looked nervous, but nice. When Mary dished some stewed tomatoes onto his plate, he gave her a wide smile that made little crinkles appear in the corners of his bright blue eyes. Dan was instantly mesmerized and forgot where he was until the person in front of him cleared their throat and brought him back to reality.

“Oh, sorry,” Dan mumbled, cheeks a bright pink.

He could feel eyes on him, and a quick glance over told him that a pair of those eyes belonged to the new boy, who was shuffling down the line and now standing in front of him.

“Hello,” he said, his voice deep and lilted with a heavy Northern accent.

“Hi,” Dan replied quietly, mind warring between keeping his eyes averted as to not make the stranger uncomfortable, and wanting to stare at the smattering of freckles across his nose.

He didn’t have a chance to make up his mind, though, before he was moving along and out of the tent. Dan felt a little disappointed, wanting to know more about the stranger, but a nudge from Mary brought him back to the present and he apologized to the woman in front of him before serving her beans, trying to get the boy out of his head.

-

Later that afternoon while Dan scrubbed on a particularly stubborn piece of food stuck on the frying pan, he heard someone enter the tent. 

“Mary, I can’t get this stupid pan clean,” he whined. “Where’s the good sponge with the rough side?”

“Uh, I’m not Mary.”

Dan whipped around, his neck protesting at the quick movement. The boy from that morning was there, a small smile on his face and his hands stuffed in his pockets in what looked like a very uncomfortable way.

“Oh, sorry.”

He waved his hand and smiled a bit wider at Dan. “It’s all good. I was sent over to help?”

Dan stood rigidly still, hands still submerged in the quickly cooling water. “Uh.”

He was saved from having to reply by Mary entering the tent and placing a hand on the boys shoulder.

“Little Duck, this is Phil. He’s going to be helping us out.”

All the blood in Dan’s body rushed towards his cheeks, turning them cherry red. The boy wasn’t laughing at his nickname, but a smile was tugging at his lips. It didn’t look mocking, though, which made him breathe a little easier.

“I’m Dan,” he said, throwing an exasperated glance at Mary.

“Oops! Sorry, _Dan_ ,” she emphasized, which made Dan roll his eyes, but he couldn’t help grinning. 

“Hi, Dan.” Phil waved a little, removing his hand from its awkward placement in his pocket.

Dan waved back, splashing water all over himself in the process. ‘ _God. Keep it together for one second!_ ’ he thought to himself.

“Phil, you can help Dan with the scrubbing and then we can start working on lunch.”

He nodded and joined Dan at the sink. He smiled again, which didn’t help the blush still prominent on Dan’s cheek.

“So what should I do?”

“Uh.” Dan looked around the small tubs of dishes soaking. “Can you start more water on to boil?” He pointed to the jugs of water from the nearby stream that they boiled for cooking and cleaning.

“Okay!” 

Instead of going back to working, Dan watched Phil juggle with the jug and dump the water in the pot they used for boiling, spilling it everywhere.

“Oh, no! I’m so sorry.” He looked terrified, but Dan just chuckled and shrugged a shoulder since he had no desire to lift his hand up again and add to the huge wet spot on his stomach.

“It’s all good. It’s just water from the stream. They make daily trips down there to get more, so it’s not big deal.”

Phil looked beyond relieved and resumed pouring, though a bit gentler this time.

“So, how long have you been here?” he asked as he placed the pot on the grill top.

“About two months? We came here in August.” 

Phil nodded, soaking up the information. “Do you like it here?”

Dan frowned at the question. His first response was no, because why would he like it here? Everyone was either old or young kids. There was no electricity, so he couldn’t play video games or use the internet. He missed his house, and his room, and real food.

He took a second to really think about his answer, though, not wanting to put off his new companion right off the bat. “It’s… okay? Like, obviously I would rather not be here, but it could definitely be worse. Everyone is mostly alright, and Mary does her best to make the food good.”

“I make the food excellent, Little Duck!” Mary called from the mouth of the tent where she had just entered.

“Little Duck?” Phil asked moving to stand by Dan again.

“Yeah,” Dan said, glancing over at Phil and back quickly, trying not to stare.

“He followed me around for weeks when he first arrived. Wouldn’t leave my side in the tent. Very sweet.” 

Dan threw Mary a scowl, though there was no heat behind it. She chuckled seeing the look on his face and patted his back, grabbing a clean pot off of the pile of clean ones.

“I think it’s cute,” Phil said, looking down at his feet.

Dan didn’t reply because he was sure that he would say something embarrassing like ‘ _I think you’re cute_.’ He just gave Phil a small smile when his eyes moved from his shoes to Dan.

“Okay, boys! Time to start preparing dinner!”

-

The day went by quicker than it ever had. Though Dan loved Mary, and was thankful that he got to work with her and spend time, having Phil there felt like a breath of fresh air. Though he had an air of awkwardness and nerves, he was nice and helpful. And cute, of course, something Dan was incredibly aware of.

They didn’t get much time to talk between making dinner and cleaning up after, but Dan hoped that they would be able to the next day. 

They parted ways at the entrance of the tent and Dan moved slowly to the little cluster of camping tents that his family called home now. He and his brother’s tent was perched next to his parents’, something he wasn’t enthused about, but at least most nights his brother slept in their bed because he was scared. Those nights were the most privacy Dan had in months. Not that he particularly _needed_ a ton of privacy, but not having it just made him crave it more.

He popped his head in his parents’ tent, not surprised to only see his mum and brother inside. His father was one of the guards, so he often spent most of his time standing at the gates of their hastily made little community. 

“Hi, dear,” his mum said, giving him a tired smile when he bent inside and sat on the ground. 

“‘Lo, mum.”

The tent was small and cramped, just a touch bigger than Dan and Adrian’s, but she had done what she could to make it homey with their limited resources. It was clean and organized, and as much as Dan missed home, he knew his mother probably did more. It was the home she had grown up with his Gran, and she had worked hard to make it her own before they had to leave.

“I saw you got an extra set of hands in the kitchen. That’s nice, I’m sure you and Mary could use the help.”

She didn’t look while she talked, just focused on trying to give his brother an even haircut. He thought he could probably stand to have a cut, too, but he knew that she would just give him a short standard cut like his brother and he mourned the idea of cutting the emo fringe after he’d worked so hard to get it how he liked it. Thought it didn’t really matter, he hadn’t been able to straighten it since they left, and his curls got wilder every day.

“Yeah,” Dan shrugged, going for nonchalance, “he seems okay.” ‘Okay’ didn’t really cover Dan’s whole opinion, but he wasn’t about to go down that road right now, especially with his mum and little brother. “He seems nice.”

“Are his parents here, too?” she asked delicately, as the answer wasn’t always a nice one. There were close to twenty kids that had been brought in by themselves. Some were orphans already, others were made an orphan by the virus. 

“Uh, I’m not sure. I didn’t get a chance to ask.”

She hummed in acknowledgement and ran a hand through Adrian’s hair. After she told him he was good, Adrian moved and sat down on their parents’ bed, picking up the book he had been reading. Dan thought of the stack of books that were occasionally brought back and considered going to get one, too. 

“Any plans for the rest of the night?”

Dan shrugged. “Might go get a book.”

She looked happy to hear him wanting to do more than sulk in the corner like he had been for awhile now. “I think that’s a great idea.”

He supposed he had to now, so he stood up and exited the tent, telling them both goodbye; only his mum replied, though that didn’t really surprise him. His relationship with his sibling was still just as antagonizing as it had been at home. At least some things never changed.

-

Dan barely remembered where the books were kept, but after wandering around for a while, he found the tent that held all of the books and puzzles that scouts would bring back. There wasn’t always room for what the adults called ‘superfluous items’ like books and the occasional toy that came into camp. 

The tent had someone in it when Dan pushed through the flap, and he halted at the entrance when he realized it was Phil. He thought about turning around and running away before he could be seen, but Phil turned and beamed at him.

“Dan!”

He was entirely too nice. Who was just this nice and upbeat all the time?

“Uh, hi.” Dan approached the table, just because there wasn’t really another option now.

“Looking for a book?”

If anyone else had asked, he probably would have been sarcastic, but he didn’t want to do that to Phil. He didn’t deserve Dan’s bad attitude.

“Yeah. Just thought I’d try and kill some time.”

Phil nodded and shuffled through the books again. Dan started doing the same, letting silence form between them. It was a bit awkward at first, but after a moment or two, Phil pointed to the book Dan was browsing the back of and started talking about how much he loved it. Dan looked at the title and author.

“You a big Stephen King fan?”

“Yes! I love horror books. And movies, but there’s not many of those to watch anymore.”

He sounded a little sad, and Dan felt for him. “Yeah, I miss movies. Well, I miss video games and the internet more, but movies were still good.”

“What did you play?”

Dan went on a tangent about his favorite games, not even noticing he hadn’t paused for breath till he took a gasping one, almost coughing on the rush of air in his lungs. Phil patted him on the back, a little harder than Dan thought he meant to, but the touch felt white hot, even through Dan’s four layers of clothes.

“You okay, there?” Phil was smiling again, but it didn’t look like he was making fun of Dan. It was new, but welcome.

“Yeah, sorry. I’m just really passionate about video games.” He snorted about that and Phil laughed, too.

“I can tell. I am too, though. I could talk about my favorite games for hours.”

-

They didn’t talk for hours, but when they finally both exited the tent 45 minutes later, Dan was feeling better than he had in he didn’t even know how long. It had been so long since he had someone around his age who had any of the same interests that he had. Talking to Phil was like taking a breath of fresh air.

The light was off in his parents tent when he finally arrived back in their little cluster of tents. His tent was empty, his brother likely laying with their mum again, so Dan didn’t bother doing anything more than flopping down on to the pile of blankets that he called a bed. He had a book in his hand, the Stephen King novel Phil had said he liked; he didn’t know if he would ever actually take the time to read it, but knowing it was Phil’s favorite made something warm and happy settle in his chest, a feeling that had been absent for far too long.

-

Phil was waiting in the tent when Dan came in the next morning, already trying to start a fire. Mary was cutting chunks of fresh potatoes to fry, and Phil looked like he was struggling. Each time he tried to light the chunk of wood, the tiny flame would fizzle out and die before it could catch on.

Dan kneeled next to the fire pit and gave him a warm smile. “Having a good time?”

He huffed a little. “I’ve never lit a fire before.”

Dan extended his hand forward gently, not wanting to startle Phil, or make him feel like Dan didn’t think he could do it. Phil handed the lighter over easily, though, and Dan took it, trying not to look affected when their hands brushed together, though he definitely was.

“You have to light the kindling first. It’s not as dense, so it catches quicker.”

Demonstrating this, he shuffled the wood around a little and lit a thin piece that caught fire immediately, burning bright and releasing warmth into the space between them. Dan glanced over to Phil, who was giving him a look that Dan couldn’t quite put a finger on. It reminded him a bit of the way his mum looked at his dad, but he shook the thought away. What were the chances that he found a cute guy who liked him in an actual apocalypse? Not likely. 

-

Having Phil in the tent was like having a tiny ray of sunshine amidst the dreary clouds in the sky and the dismal demeanor of everyone. He made it feel like they weren’t in the middle of a disaster, at least while they were in the tent. The day passed by quickly, listening to him tell anecdotes about funny people he used to meet on the bus and airplanes and funny stories from uni. 

It was so refreshing to have someone new to talk to that the day rushed by, and before Dan realized it, it was time to go back to his tent. He felt hesitant about it, actually having fun, and he knew that was largely because of Phil. Mary was wonderful and Dan loved spending time with her, but he had grown incredibly fond of Phil in just over 24 hours and wasn’t excited to part ways.

Phil must've had a similar idea because once they said good night to Mary and were out of the tent, he turned his bright blue eyes to Dan and asked if he was up for taking him on a tour of the camp. He didn’t have to think twice about saying yes, and they started making their way around.

-

Though they did walk around the camp, and Dan _did_ occasionally point to a tent and say what its purpose was, they mostly just talked. 

They talked about school, and how though they both missed having interactions with their peers and a sense of normalcy, neither missed the bullies. Phil told Dan about his family, too. His parents were here with him, but his older brother had gone to a camp in Sweden to be with his girlfriend, much to Phil’s mum’s protest.

Dan talked about his parents and how annoying his younger brother was, though Phil laughed and said that since he was also an annoying little brother, he was on Adrian’s side. This made Dan roll his eyes, which caused Phil to let out a loud burst of laughter. It was such a happy sound, it felt like being wrapped up in a warm hug. 

-

When it was completely dark and it was getting difficult to see the camp, or even the ground under their feet, Dan walked with Phil to where his family’s tents were perched. There were two, one for his parents and one for himself. Dan told him how lucky he was that he didn’t have to share, but he gave a weak smile and shrugged his shoulder.

“It gets really lonely, actually. I’d love to have someone in there with me.”

It wasn’t an invitation, but Dan’s traitorous brain decided it was, so before he could stop himself he was offering to stay with Phil and keep him company. Before he could feel embarrassed and take it back, Phil beamed at him and told him that would be excellent. He pulled Dan in to his parents’ tent so he could introduce them, and Dan let himself be dragged into a social interaction with adults because Phil was looking at him all happy and shit, and Dan wasn’t about to do anything to jeopardize that.

Phil’s parents were actually lovely. They smiled all wide and nice like Phil did, and they shook his hand and told him how happy they were to meet him. When Phil told them that Dan was staying the night, they insisted on everyone walking to Dan’s parents’ tent so that everyone could be introduced and Dan could tell his parents he was staying over. 

-

Dan wasn’t scared, per say, of introducing Phil to his family, but he definitely could feel a pool of nerves sitting hot and heavy in his belly. He hadn’t introduced someone to his parents in years, platonic or not. He shoved that thought from his head quickly. Of course it was platonic. He didn’t even know what Phil’s deal was at all. It was better to assume there was nothing there than to get his hopes up that he could have actually found someone who could be more than a friend here.

They entered the tent and once again, it was just his mum and brother. Dan introduced them to Phil’s mum and dad and told her that he was staying over with Phil and needed to pack. He backed out of the tent and pulled on Phil’s arm to have him come along. He went willingly, giving them a wave as he was dragged out.

Dan’s tent was smaller than Phil’s tent, but Phil didn’t seem to mind, or even notice. He hunched over and went inside, immediately sitting down on the ground while Dan gathered clothes and blankets. 

He picked up the book that Dan had chosen the other night and inspected it. “Have you gotten any reading done?”

Dan snorted a little. “No. I always have this urge to read or whatever, but I never actually do.”

He didn’t tack on that lately he’d been spending most of his extra time with Phil. Not that he minded. He’d never pick up a book again if he could just be around Phil.

“I haven’t either. Been distracted…” Phil’s eyes lingered on Dan for a second and Dan had to duck his head and focus on folding up his blanket so Phil wouldn’t see the blush that was spreading over his cheeks.

“Okay,” Dan said, giving his blanket a final fold. “I’m ready.”

-

They ended up walking back to Phil’s tent alone, as Phil’s parents decided to stay and visit with Dan’s mum, who he suspected greatly appreciated the company of adults as she usually spent her day corralling children.

Phil helped him spread his blankets down on the floor of his tent. It was roomy enough that their beds could have a sizable space between them, but Phil insisted that Dan lay right next to his bed. It made Dan’s heart stutter a bit, but he tried to ignore it. 

“There you go!” Phil moved back from the lumps of blankets that he had done his best to make into a suitable bed. Before Dan could stop himself, he was laughing harder than he had in months. 

Phil pouted and crossed his arms. “I thought I did a good job!”

Dan wanted to hug him, press their bodies close together and give him a proper squeeze, but instead he just giggled a little and pressed a hand to Phil’s shoulder. “You did amazing, Phil.”

He beamed in reply and for a second, Dan forgot they were in a dingy tent in the middle of nowhere. Forgot that there was a deadly virus trying to wipe out the planet. For a moment, he was just a boy feeling deep, intense feelings for the boy in front of him. 

They stood there staring at each other for what felt like years. Dan’s hand was still pressed to Phil’s shoulder and the smile that had previously been stretched wide across Phil’s face was replaced by a look of deep concentration. Dan stopped breathing for a second, but before he could do anything, or decide if he was just imaging the look on Phil’s face, the tent flaps opened and they instinctively backed away from each other, Dan’s arm falling back to his side.

“Hello, boys. Just coming in to say goodnight.” Phil’s mum smiled the same big, genuine smile that Phil had and pulled Phil into an embrace, doing the same with Dan right after. 

She smelled like cinnamon and it reminded Dan of his Gran, his heart clenching a little. His Gran hadn’t made it past the first wave of the virus spreading in Wokingham, and he missed her terribly, but for a brief second while Phil’s mum held him tight, he felt like he had her back.

The feeling passed as she leaned out of the embrace. She placed a hand to his cheek and gave him another smile. “Thank you for keeping my Phil company. He misses his brother an awful lot, though I know he’ll never admit it.”

“Mum!” Phil whined, breaking Dan out of the spell. 

She tittered and fussed for another moment before saying goodnight and exiting the tent, leaving the two boys to stand there. Dan avoided eye contact, laying down in his bed. Phil tried to talk more, but Dan only gave half replies. There was too much going on in his brain at the moment. 

Thoughts of his Gran were still swirling around, and how lonely he’d felt without her. Lonely until he met Phil, who was probably just hanging out because he missed his brother and wanted a bro to hang out with. He shouldn’t have felt disappointed, but he did.

“Night, Dan. Thank you for staying with me.” Phil’s arm reached out, finding Dan’s arm and holding tight to it. Dan sighed deeply and relaxed into his bed. 

“You’re welcome, Phil,” he whispered back. 

He fell asleep that night with Phil’s hand still pressed against his arm, and it was the best night’s sleep he’d had in years.

-

The next few months passed by in a similar manner. He and Phil would spend their days working with Mary in the kitchens, talking and banting and learning all the nuanced things about each other that didn’t really matter these days, like their favorite tv shows and candies and favorite Youtube videos. By the time it was early January, Dan knew nearly every little thing about Phil and in turn, Phil knew the same about Dan.

Mary often joked that they were morphing into one person. They had become almost inseparable since Phil arrived at the camp. Dan didn’t mind though. He’d never had a friend like Phil, and in a twisted sort of way, he was glad that a virus was sweeping the world because otherwise he would have never met Phil.

They were building the fires when Mary turned from her spot on the shelves and asked them when their birthdays were. Birthdays weren’t celebrated much in the camp, as there weren’t enough supplies for a proper celebration, though most families gathered in their tents at night and spent the time together.

Dan told her his birthday was in June, a long ways away. Phil didn’t reply at first, but eventually sighed before telling her that his birthday was the 30th, tomorrow.

“What?” Dan squawked. That was so close! And he hadn’t even began to think of what he could do. Phil deserved the best birthday he could be given.

“I didn’t wanna say anything ‘cause I know we don’t have much,” Phil mumbled, and Dan’s heart clenched. God, Phil was just so _good_. Dan was sure there was no better person on the planet.

“Don’t worry about that, dear,” Mary told him, pulling some canned veggies off the shelf. “We’ll figure out something.”

Phil tried to protest, his face going an adorable pink, but Mary insisted and wouldn’t let him say any more on the matter.

Dan, however, had stopped listening to their conversation, mind working hard to somehow find a gift or just _anything_ to give Phil for his birthday. It seemed imperative, suddenly, that he find something to give to Phil. As if he needed to prove to Phil that he was worthy of being his friend.

-

That night after they finished with work, rather than heading to Phil’s tent, or having Phil follow him back to his as they had nearly every night since their first night together, Dan insisted on going to his own tent alone, feigning a headache.

He was secretly a bit pleased with how disappointed Phil sounded, but he pulled Dan into a hug, something Phil had started doing any time they had to part, and went in the opposite direction Dan was heading.

His mum was surprised to find him by himself, even joking that he was missing his shadow, but Dan just rolled his eyes a bit fondly and told her that he had a headache, before ducking back out and into his tent. Normally filled with Phil’s warmth and boisterous laugh, it now felt oddly empty and desolate. He tried not to let that bother him, though, and settled down into his blankets.

He’d become accustomed to Phil’s hand on his arm, or shoulder, or even on occasion, his own hand. The lack of pressure felt odd, and Dan knew he wouldn’t have an easy time sleeping, but he didn’t mind. This only would give him more time to plan.

-

When Dan awoke after his dismal sleep, it was with a plan in mind. He quietly got dressed and put on his work shoes, being sure to wear extra layers to shield himself from the arctic cold of January. 

He made his way out of his tent and towards the group of people gathering at the gate. No one paid him much mind as he gathered with them. These were the people who went out and gathered food and supplies. He half expected for someone to yell at him or ask what he thought he was doing, but no one did. There wasn’t really anyone in charge, no one to report his disobedience to, and people mostly just minded their own business, luckily.

The gates opened a few minutes after he arrived and Dan took a deep breath before following the crowd out and into the world. There was a small part of him that thought that _maybe_ things would feel different past the walls and gates of their tiny community, but nothing did. The wind blew a little harder without a barrier to block it from him, but that was the only perceptible change. This knowledge made the next steps he took easier.

-

They walked for almost an hour, more exercise than Dan had done in years, before they arrived at a bleak looking Tesco. Everyone split up into teams, though Dan didn’t plan on staying with one. He entered the store behind everyone as they slowly entered, weary that other people could be there, too. After a few moments, someone declared that the coast was clear and everyone broke apart to start gathering supplies.

The store looked like it had been ransacked a time or two, but there were still rows and rows of untouched supplies that everyone took their time stuffing into the sacks on their backs. Dan’s own bag, his old school backpack, wouldn’t hold too much, but he wasn’t worried about that. He was here for quality vs quantity.

The first place he looked at was the sweets aisle, because one of the things Phil liked to talk about the most was how much he missed sweets and candies. He found marshmallows and shoved two of the biggest bags he could find into his bag. Next was a giant bag of Haribo and bars of chocolate: one white, one milk, and two dark bars flavored with strawberry and orange because Dan knew he loved chocolate, just not what type.

Crisps were next, and he went straight for the spicy crisps because when Phil wanted a snack that was all he talked about. As he went he tossed in as many things he could remember Phil liked. 

Everyone met in the front after they all had bulging bags of food and medicine. Dan felt a little guilty not helping gather important items, but he figured there were enough people that it could be justified.

The walk home seemed to take ages, the bag’s heft weighing him down more than he had anticipated, but he didn’t mind. He imagined how excited Phil would be, and that was more than enough motivation to get him back to the camp.

-

When the doors opened, the first person Dan’s eyes focused on were his mum’s. She was stood at the entrance of the camp looking stricken and worried, and Dan felt awful. He hadn’t shared with anyone what his plans were, not thinking about how worried his mum would be to find that he wasn’t in his room and not with Mary and Phil in the kitchen.

She pulled him into a hug roughly, squeezing the air out of his lungs. “Don’t you do that to me again, Daniel James Howell! I was scared to death.”

He returned her hug the best he could. She didn’t deserve to have been scared, but it felt nice having a proper hug from her. It had been a long time, though that wasn’t her fault. It had been years since he had decided that he was too old for motherly affections and had started refusing them. Things were different now, though, and he was happy for the hugs.

“I won’t. I’m sorry, mum.”

She finally released him and wiped away the fat tears that had fallen down her face and onto Dan’s t-shirt. “So, what is it that you thought it would be worth venturing out into the wild and scaring your mother to death for?”

Dan hesitated, not sure how upset she would be. “Uh. I got some sweets and stuff for Phil. It’s his birthday today.”

Her expression was unreadable for a second before she gave him a watery smile and cupped his cheek. “You care about him, don’t you?”

It was a vague enough that Dan felt that he could respond without giving anything away. Not that he really knew what exactly it would be that he’d be giving away, but he figured it was safe enough to just nod his head.

After another bone-crushing hug, she sent him off to help with dinner. He dropped his bag off in his tent and made his way to the kitchen tent, hoping Mary wasn’t too upset with him for missing the morning and afternoon meals.

-

Mary wasn’t too cross at him, more just upset in a grandmotherly sort of way. She scolded him a bit and made him hug her before telling him to go help Phil gather some wood for the fires.

Dan found him quickly and he was surprised when Phil barely looked at him when he joined him. Dan told him happy birthday and Phil grunted his thanks back. He could feel his shoulders slump and wanted to cry a bit. Unsure of what he did, or why Phil was mad at him, he got what he could and went back to the tent, leaving Phil willingly for the first time since they met.

It took Phil a couple minutes more to enter the tent and when he did, he sat the pile down next to where Dan was stoking the fire they had going, trying to make it hot enough to cook on. He could see Mary’s expression out of the corner of his eye and she didn’t seem surprised at Phil’s sullen mood. Maybe he just woke up on the wrong side of the bed?

Their shift went by achingly slow. By the time dinner was served and they’d all eaten and cleaned up, Dan was ready to sob. Phil had barely said two words to him since Dan got back and all he really wanted to do is go to his tent so that he could have a proper cry and try and get over it.

When he ducked out of the tent and started to head towards his tent, Phil stopped him. He didn’t make eye contact with Dan, just stared intently at his feet before speaking.

“Can I stay over at yours tonight?” 

Dan didn’t bother masking his surprise, but agreed right away. How in the world could he not?  
-

Dan only poked his head in to say goodnight to his mum before ushering Phil into his tent. His backpack still laid on his bed and while Phil laid out the blankets they kept there for staying the night, Dan held the backpack against his chest. 

Once Phil was finished and had sat down, Dan started talking at a rapid pace.

“I know you’re like mad at me, and I’m not sure why, but I just wanted to tell you happy birthday and here,” he thrust his bag in Phil’s hands, “I got you some stuff.”

Phil took the bag and stared back in forth between it and Dan, whose face felt beet red.

“You went out and endangered your life just to get me something for my birthday?” He didn’t sound mad, just a little confused.

Dan nodded. “I wanted you to have a good birthday.”

Phil surveyed him for second before unzipping the bag and slowly pulling items out. 

First it was the Pokey he’d found, then a bag of coconut cookies. More followed: crisps, the Haribo, and marshmallows. When he pulled out the pack of cat toys in the shape of little sushi characters he gave Dan a confused look.

“I know they’re for cats, it was just more of the idea. We can’t have sushi anymore, so it’s more metaphoric.”

Before Dan could blink, Phil was throwing himself forward and into Dan’s arms. His arms were wrapped tight around Dan’s neck and he started sobbing, his whole body shaking.

“Wha’? Phil, what’s wrong?” Dan asked, finally wrapping his arms around Phil’s back.

“It’s just,” Phil let out another loud sob, “you could have died, and I was so scared, and you were getting me stuff I love for my birthday. And then you got me the sushi, and I -” His words were cut off by another sob and Dan tried to sooth him, running a hand up and down his back.

“Shhh. I’m okay, everything is okay.”

After a few more minutes, Phil’s crying quieted and he leaned back. Before Dan could say anything to try and console him, Phil’s lips were on his. 

It took Dan a solid five seconds before he realized what was happening, and by then, Phil had leaned away from him, eyes wide with fear.

“I’m sorry, Dan! I -.” His words were cut off by Dan surging forward and kissing him.

They stayed attached for what felt like forever, yet also like they had just begun. Dan never wanted to do anything ever again if it wasn’t kissing Phil. His lips were soft but firm against Dan’s, and when his tongue brushed against Dan’s lips, silently asking for permission, Dan was happy to oblige. Chills broke out across his skin as Phil’s tongue met his and their kisses grew in fervor, neither able to get enough, it seemed.

It wasn’t until they ran out of breath that they parted, both set of lips red and puffy. Phil moved back, but not far, as his arms were still slung around Dan’s neck and neither seemed in a rush to remove them.

“I’ve wanted to do that for a long time.” Phil’s voice was a bit breathless and definitely deeper, and it made an involuntary shiver run through Dan.

“Me, too. Ever since I stayed in your tent with you.”

Phil’s smile was radiant, even in the dim light of Dan’s lantern. “Thank you for everything.” Dan answered with a kiss, and Phil’s response was immediate. 

The world might be scary and the future uncertain, but Dan had never felt as certain as he was kissing Phil.

**Author's Note:**

> you can find this fic on [tumblr](https://tobieallison.tumblr.com/post/184760803741/theres-something-wretched-about-this-something) and [twitter](https://twitter.com/ta_hens/status/1126509646024306688)


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